there has been an open tab on my computer now for over 9 months.
it is an insightful podcast session that my husband Justin stumbled upon and passed my way, of which i had listened to the first 10 minutes months back when i first received this. Although what little of the chat i had heard really inspired and encouraged me in this whole process of writing, i found myself never carving out the time to listen to it in it’s entirety.
seems just plain silly, seeing as this whole session is only a half hour, but isn’t it always it’s always the little time suckages that we never seem to get around to! funny how we do this- we somehow manage to let the giant time sucking leaches lure us in for hours upon end, yet the tiny ones that magnetically pull in our souls just manage to sit, unopened, fresh pages left in mint condition upon dusty bookshelves.
this was one of those unique voices that with just a small taste of, i just could not seem to close the tab, but had never made the effort to forge ahead with.
i woke up extra early, which is miraculous in itself as i have been under the weather for over a week now and needing all of the extra z’s i can get. but it called but to me this particular morning, so i got myself settled into the sauna we have in our office, with laptop fired up and hit the play button.
off i went into the world of writing.
just the beautiful voices of the host and guest having a meaningful exchange about the beauty that is putting pen to paper. or fingers to keys. the showing up. the struggle to unblock our blockages, the self prompts, the act of finding our true voices through process and pain of self censorship that we all seem to struggle with in this personal pergatory.
what i connected with most in this particular talk was the reminder that we, as writers, do not have to bare all of our words publicly if we don’t want to.
we can if we choose to.
we can choose not to.
this was a wave a refreshment washing over me, as i find myself with this new blog adventure struggling with how to write the most ‘real’ version of myself, in public, making promises to put myself ‘out there’ in new ways with a louder and bolder voice. the quest for the most authentic way to communicate has been what drives my soul so that others may connect through this processing of life experiences, yet i feel a part of me cringing with certain parts.
when i say cringing, this is not coming from a place of fear. fear itself has it’s own place with it’s own journey to be had and worked through. rather, i am finding myself becoming possessive of my sacred thoughts, journal entries, certain texts conversations with friends that i read over many times throughout my days because of the power they hold. many of these moments are so beautiful that i just want to keep some of them to myself. although they’d make some of the best blogging fodder and writing prompts, i choose to keep a select few as hidden treasure, a bounty stored up in my heart, fuel for my personal pilgrimage only.
listening to this podcast today in the early morning hours, i realized that it’s okay!
the guest mentions throwing page after page of her personal musings into the fire, watching them burn and in doing so they are actually hers forever, hidden from the judgements and opinions of the world.
real writing, the kind that cries out from a place so deep within us, i believe, is to be selectively shared.
the permission has been granted to un-share certain aspects and self revelations in a world that is so tailored toward the mighty ‘share button’.
it is not about going viral or how many ‘thumbs up’ our pieces of written reflection receive.
that concept gets the big fat middle finger!
the goal is to write ourselves whole. to participate in the act of authentic healing through this magical conduit of pen to paper. that is all it ever needs to be. it can be hidden away, thrown out in the garbage, torn into pieces and taken away by the wind! all that matters is that it has come out of us and no longer takes up space, rattling around in our brains, leaving the nagging reminder that these experiences and musings still need to be ‘processed’.
true, it might take revisiting again and again, written and shouted out in new ways in different junctures on the path ahead, but the beauty is in the exit! as the shadow side is illuminated, the power grip it has held us under for far too long begins to loosen.
what a gift!
what a resounding ‘yes’ that i feel in this- the invitation to let go even further has been accepted, so this load i carry can lighten and free me up to do more of what i am here to do…to write myself whole.