Have you ever had that ’11th hour’ experience?

That moment where literally, JUST in the nick of time something pulls together for you when you thought all hope was lost?

well, i’m finding myself that residing in this space. over and over and over. for years now. sometimes (and more often than not lately) i feel like i kind of have to force or ‘help’ the powers at be to make everything turn out alright in the end.

I’ve had to ask myself if this is ‘me’ or ‘God’ coming through in these situations. It’s something I’ve really struggled with over the years, proclaiming that i have this faith for it all to end in my favor, however i think back to very specific situations where if i had not gotten ‘creative’ in my problem solving, i do believe the outcome would have been very different.

where i am coming to land on all of this is that even through my stepping in and taking action to help in these times is out of my own creativity and strength (call it manipulation even), I truly believe it’s not me that is responsible for the end game.

i might go so far as to say that there are most certainly times i have made even bigger messes of things trying to solve my problems in my own strength, but things always shake out in my favor and i am left still standing. not only upright on my feet, but also, oddly, with having gained a broader perspective and a blessing often too large for words.

i strive, manipulate, plan and execute with my own witty ideas and strategies, and many times i can fix things right away, or at least buy myself a little more breathing room. my world that i somehow still believe i somehow have any control over, i have band aided and patched things up just as quickly as i can to stop any further bleeding.

Then, there comes something called the eleventh hour.

it’s that final tick before midnight, when the old day has passed away and the new has arrived. where the past becomes just that-and it’s too late to ‘fix’ anything else for that moment in time. And let’s be honest, sometimes days with literal cutoff times can be over the top stressful. getting projects turned in, documents signed and dated, letters in the mail, making it into the bank doors before closing time-all of these things are very real stressors to all of us living in this hectic world!

the love of God in the eleventh hour always brings me to tears, and at times even full melt downs of gratitude. when i have tried everything within my will to make things turn out, and as the defining moment appears closer and closer, my hands are often tied, where i am left alone to realize that i cannot do, be, or create one more thing to help myself. I am stuck, very often desperate, and in need of help outside of myself.

enter God.

it’s not that i’ve never had a very thankful heart when God would step in for me in ways more creative than my own, using provisions that i could never have imagined in my wildest dreams. gratitude would flow from my heart toward him- but then only moments later i would actually find myself feeling angry that he took me to the brink of tragedy, when all along i knew he was capable of sparing me of the heartache and kind of stress that one does not think she can stand up under. I’d start asking ‘why’ to God!

oh my fickle heart! how quickly you turn on me.

not only had god continued to save me from myself over and over, but for audacious me to turn around in anger! what foolish behavior!

in recent years, after many many many hard knocks and lessons learned, i have come to find out that it’s the 11th hour lessons that bring me to such a deeper level of understanding the ways of the divine. they are the most intimate, life affirming and downright touching ways of his workings in my life.

i can’t say that i am always okay with this process-the being brought to the point of near calamity (financial or otherwise), but I am learning that the last moment answers to my cries for help are always answered. always. it always look different in every circumstance. whether it’s giving me new eyes to see creative new ideas of how to help myself or just straight up miracles that show up out of the blue (this is the most popular occurrence of them all), the last moment 11th hour kind are the most meaningful.

it happened again today.

a narrow escape.

something with a make it or break it deadline,in my small world what could have been disastrous and yet again, he showed up. and i felt him wrapping his feathered wings around me, and in this safe cocoon it’s as if i could hear his soothing gentle voice whisper to me, “this is the fullest way that i can show you my love, this eleventh hour love of mine.”

all is well.