i have realized that i don’t write to get answers, i write to become.
to look back in recognition of what god has done, often forgotten as i turn to begin a new page in my notebook. had these years of stories and thoughts not been recorded, they would not be of service and comfort to my soul months and years in the future to bless me and expose the ways, the majestic inner dealings of my depths from the most almighty.
i write to get better acquainted with my being. a greater connection. a true home coming.
yesterday, as well as many, many times over the past years, i have been taken to the brink of almost insanity. frustrations beyond what i often feel i can handle, anger so enraged i cry out loud in my car asking why. as i write out my thoughts and feelings of today and the past few days, again i am led back to my notebooks filled with the same emotions, but each gaining different responses over the years.
what seems to remain unwavering is my heart’s desire for more gratitude. gratitude and joy.
with this warring, warrior heart within me, i’ve been more often living a very dead, joyless existence for many years, the burdens of life weighing so heavily upon my shoulders, they all but crush my weary bones.
laying down my pride to reveal this about my journey is a most vulnerable place. i seem to be wearing a happy face to the world, and this is not a fake part of me, as i am a true lover of life and happiness. by no stretch do i hate my life or existence, nor am i unsatisfied with simple living.
but… i am majorly lacking joy! true joy! the sweetness of life is often replaced with fret, obsessive rumination over the past, or fear of the unknown future. i only know this to be true when i see little glimmers of this true joy hiding around a corner, an uncontrollable peek for only a moment. ah! there it is! it is there but it is in hiding. how oh joy, do i invite you in to stay for longer than a fleeting moment? it is a cruel joke. it’s but a vapor. how can i harness you and pull you in toward myself?
i’ve been sitting with this for awhile now-trying to devise a plan to get it back and make it stick. it seems futile, as moods and hormone levels shift, circumstances come our way that drag us into ‘feeling’ things other than joy and happiness.
the best plan i’ve stumbled across yet is to ‘wait.’
to let myself go to that low and ugly place, patiently waiting for the joy to return to me, to sweep me away in the flood of it’s raging power, leaving no survivors of my victimhood, lack, doubt or deep seeded anger.
i stand in this place of waiting today. in belief that all that will come to me will be done so like the olive branch that withstood the flood waters, with courage, strength and a divine understanding.
magnificent trade ups.