Last month was a flare up with my health challenges.
And I mean BAD.
I’ve been going along at such a mildly steady but slow pace in the journey of my digestion healing and then this hit me right out of left field, completely leveling me.
The duration was a few days this time around, during which a whirlwind of both physical symptoms and mental and spiritual emotions surfaced…first the physical purging with vomiting, accompanied by body chills, organ pain, severe aches down my shoulder blades in particular, the tightening on my entire back, almost as if it was pulling into itself.
Then came the great uterine fibroid flare up alongside. Can’t a gal catch a break? Space them out a bit perhaps? But no! All came flooding at me at once, taking me to a very deep and dark place.
In a way, this was necessary, as I found myself in a bad pattern lately of consuming too much sugar-a big ‘no no’ during my recovery road. Alas, it;s the hardest to kick to the curb. It sucks. The addiction to even natural sugars had run out of control like a derailed train, and I had no idea if I had enough mental strength to return to my better path. I had backslid though in a big way and this was my body’s way of telling me it had had enough. This stopped me in my tracks, not so gently inviting me back for another go at doing better.
For 24 hours after the onslaught, all I could get down were some sliced cucumber slices, a green juice and some sliced aloe plant innards. Clearly I was attempting to assist my body with it’s recalibration process. What also helped me in a gigantic way was a dear friend coming over to do a reiki session on me, and this is when the turnaround truly began (more on this subject later).
My first inclination with a health crisis flare up is to delve inward, believing the whispers from the darkness that the worst is back and here to stay. That this is my ‘new normal’ once again. It’s as if I begin to believe the lie telling me that all of the work I’ve done this far, that all of the healing I have found bits and pieces of along the way all get thrown out the window and I am back to square one.
AGAIN.
And I’ve been believing that it’s all because of ME.
I’ve personally taken these lies and molded them into this sick and twisted “truth”, where I am then taken into a downward spiral of doubt and self blame.
Oh the self blame.
THIS is a BIG deal.
I am just beginning to realize just how much I truly blame myself for EVERYTHING.
Unraveling this delicate web will most likely take years. From it’s conception until the present, this blame I have ushered upon myself with open arms stands strong, and it’s very roots continually need severing so i may untether further and further.
How does one continue to heal the shattered parts deep inside that continually wreck havoc on the outward and inward parts of me alike.
During the night this illness flared up, Justin had a dream. In the dream, he saw a snake under my side of the bed. He said it was a big cobra, with hood flares (the name for when certain snakes flare out the sides of their necks), and in this dream he thinks to himself that he didn’t want to deal with this and wanted to go back to sleep, because for some reason he knew it wasn’t so dangerous even though it had all the markings of a dangerous serpent. However, reasoning within his dream mind also told he that it was okay to not tell me either, so he woke me up and we together released it outside.
He rarely dreams, so when he does I pay attention.
Especially to ones as symbolic as this one.
Curiosity flared up within me, so i looked up the meaning of snake sin dreams online and i found this among the results:
“In ancient times, harmless snakes would be left in temples where people seeking cures to an illness would go to dream. The dreams people had in these temples among the snakes would then be interpreted by the holy people there, who would reveal the cure the dream was showing.”
Snakes, who obviously shed their skin, is associated in many cultures as a symbol of wisdom and can also indicate that snakes are a sign of personal transformation, suggesting we look at old patterns and belief systems or thoughts we may be outgrowing. It can also suggest preparation to step into the next phase or season in our lives.
So much to unpack here.
Wonder if that dream had anything to do with my illness? And my cure?
Continuing down the rabbit trail…life is constantly handing me individual pieces to the puzzle; most definitely not the whole picture.
Oh, and thank God there was not a REAL snake under my bed. I think I would have passed out:)
image: fineartamerica.com