i should be further along by now.

in my career, in the making of my dreams a reality. with writing this book that i have been gifted all of the pieces of, but have to fully arrange them into finished work. almost 11 years of marriage and never in my wildest dreams would i have imagined we’ve still have no family of our own, no children to fill our nest of love.

i should be further along by now.

those 7 words echo haunting chants to me throughout my days, as i return home daily to a small and modest home but filled with meaningful things and souls, a quirky wiener dog who makes life way more difficult than it needs to be.

love is flowing so abundantly here though that a mansion on a hilltop could not contain it.

while friends continue to buy four bedroom homes in gated communities and take the family on exotic vacations, sometimes those 7 words can’t help but pass swiftly through the canvas of my mind: I should be further along by now…

the fancy new cars, the endless wardrobe options, the milestones of success at every turn as the world watches post after post on facebook, scrolling through new home upgrades to may areas of their lives. job promotions. even larger homes, horseback riding lessons for the kids, private school tuitions and surprise helicopter proposals and extravagant Italian getaways for anniversaries.

i should be further along by now.


the day came when i realized i actually was already further along than i thought i’d ever be, further along than most of the entire world at this exact moment in time.

the homeless vietnam vet, missing his legs that zips past me on the sidewalk outside of the grocery store, proudly displaying the flag of the country who threw hi into this predicament in the first place. with his flag proudly flapping in the wind, shame on me for uttering those 7 words. the mother of three small children living out of her car at the very top of the same street where we return to our cozy abode each night to warm and safe conditions…i am way further along than i could handle.

my husband and i still have both of our parents walking this earth alongside us, a things many of our friends do not have. we somehow manage to pay our bills, even though we remain baffled month to month how it works out for us because on paper it makes absolutely no sense. the love we have for each other faithfully follows us whether we live in a tent or a mansion, a most beautiful scenario that i have come to realize is extremely rare to experience in this life.

we buy and eat organic food, and i am able to take care of my soul and body in ways that others only dream about, but never get the chance to due to hard times and not enough dollars in the wallet.

on top of it all, i get the chance to retreat privately from this chaotic world a few times a year, to a gorgeous hilltop hermitage to hike write, cook, sleep in, labyrinth walk, dream and create in a sanctuary of peace, bliss and downright magic. to be alone with one’s thoughts is severely under experienced and devalued on this part of the crazy spinning globe i find myself upon. whenever i catch myself thinking or uttering out loud to myself those 7 words “i should be further along by now…”

i choose to simply replace it with: “I’m much further along than i ever dreamed i’d be.”

and i smile.

Image: The Bridge by Inga Nielsen, Gate-To-Nowhere via gate-to-nowhere.deviantart.com