I’ve realized for quite some time now just how much stress i hold in my body.
Take right now for example: even in a barely awake, fresh out of bed relaxed state, i feel myself tightly holding my stomach in, like I am preparing for some sort of battle!
I believe I just truly just do not know how to completely let go.
the spiritual/metaphysical/emotional root side would tell me it’s because I have a hard time ‘digesting life’, and this is what my digestive challenges are based upon. I tend to agree with this, but I believe there are many many layers.
letting go of self censorship seems to be quite a challenge for me, which i believe helped result in this clenched stage I often find myself in. This is a hard camp to reside in- a spiritual journeyer like me having to admit that I don’t have it all figured out yet, that I continue to live life in a non perfect way,and that my health challenges may be a direct result of not having mastery over my mind, or at the very least being a large contributor in this.
As if we, who put ourselves in the public, don’t already have enough judgements raining down on us from outsiders! we, the brave warriors who bare our naked selves in front of the masses, are unfortunately often the same tribe that turn those fiery darts inward, hitting our own selves even lower below the belt because we know just how to deeply wound ourselves in ways that the harsh, stinging critique of others cannot, because we know the inner workings of our souls and the point of slow, tortured, personal death through self beratement.
when i attempt the art of letting go of this self brutalization, i immediately feel my body begin to align with peace, the beginnings of unraveling the tightly wound threads within my depths, allowing breath to enter and relax my insides. The art of letting go taunts and begs me to come and play with her almost every second of the day, in many processes of the human experience, especially in the writing process.
Before bed last night, while reading ‘still writing’ by dani shapiro, a section struck me as particularly poignant and struck a personal chord. she writes of this desire we, as writers, have of self censoring in almost every turn when it comes to writing, which brought comfort to me like a warm cup of tea on a stormy morning.
why are we always seeking the approval of others, as if we need their vote of confidence thrown in our direction before we can make a move, a statement or create a game plan for our own life?
unfortunately, i have come to view my whole past life as a chess match of fear, petrified to make a move without checking, double and even triple checking, to see what words and opinions others were lording over my head, as if they owned the power of the outcome of my choices or feelings. As if their thoughts could be better, higher or even more ‘right’ than my own.
these have included: ideas, thoughts, situations, relationships, living conditions, life planning strategies, car buying, money views, church attending or non attending, medical advice and the exhaustive list goes on forever.
There is no way I can believe that this is all not stored in my physical body.
These chronic illness challenges that i continue to face at different levels began to expose themselves to me well over 8 years now, when the food reactions and strong sensitivities seemed to all come invading my life. I have tried elimination diets, supplementation (which by the way has gained me the most healing thus far!), alternative therapies of many types and yet still I suffer and live in the space between complete leveling and restoration of my physical body, the bridge between the two worlds, resident of neither the healed or dying.
There has been much prayer over my life. powerful, life affirming prayer- promises of complete healing and vitality returning once again to this body.
Do I believe this?
Like anything, in all honesty, I go through times of both weak and strong faith. especially in the unseen. but imagine if i could live in this place! to live in this unseen, spiritual realm, where things are outside of time and space, where i could loosen my grip on what i ‘see’ and then maybe others that believe the same could join forces with me and we could all begin move collectively toward a new place- a plane of confidence where more faith based decisions were made, casting fear back into the dungeon of the hell where it came from.
To be an observer of this unfolding, rather than a participant of complications, often making our journey to the center a million times longer than it often needs to be.
Imagine the power that we could infuse into our everyday lives!
This is a wake up call to put self censorship in it’s place and become honest with ourselves, our beliefs and all that we truly believe our higher power is capable of accomplishing.
I will begin to breathe more deeply and rest in this truth today, attempting to abide here from this moment forward…
image: Melody Patry / Index on Censorship – mappingmediafreedom.org