it’s nothing short of amazing how much changes in a year.
i happened upon an writing entry in my journal from a year ago dated february 9, 2016. what astonishes me is that we are in such a breathable space this time for the first time in our whole marriage, which is going on twelve years this year.
up until this point though, this following writing wraps up the last decade of struggle and i feel prompted to share it, so that those eyes that fall upon it may take comfort and hope in the power of change that is sure to come, no matter how long it may take.
a friend once shared the saying, “God doesn’t move quickly, but swiftly.”
very true in my life. drawn out days, months and years of struggle and hardship. surely God did not move quickly. BUT…when the time for change was ripe, so swift was the process, as if a gust of wind blew my sail open with such a gusty force i have no idea what hit me.
not quickly.
but swiftly.
the following is from my journal:
“i cussed and cried.
i asked why.
i pleaded and asked for clear direction as well as some insight as to why things are so continually unsettled.
seemingly unfair.
this broken record of struggle, despair, restlessness and uninspired states, complete deflation is getting beyond old-and i let God know it today as i drove to work. part of me felt sacrilegious- talking to God the way i did. but i remembered during my bitter ranting, something my sister had said years ago about a ‘holy language’ that exists between ourselves and the divine. that often feelings can only be expressed through realness, words that ring harsh or even vulgar, but possess a depth and genuine quality to them is sometimes what the situation calls for.
i have come to the conclusion that god can handle me. he can handle my mouth, my wavering belief, and he is more capable than i ever let him be in his feelings and view of me. of his unconditional love for me. his understanding is beyond words, so my feeble attempts at guarding my mouth often just hinders a deeper conversation that is meant to be had. this is all in order to go deeper still.
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